The science behind hand-jobs and ice cream

By Mitch Martyn

Today, even though it’s pouring rain, I went to the local homemade ice cream shopppepppe. Shoppe. It’s so classy that they need to add extra letters to the word shop just so everyone understands just how fuckin’ serious they are about ice cream and ice cream accessories. But the real reason I’m here is to share with you a study I did involving ice cream scooper girls and the art of the hand-job.

I roll up to this place, request my bubblegum ice cream, and proceeded to watch this cute girl; really get a good grasp on that metal scooper and dive in to that big bucket of ice cream and just start scooping away. I mean this isn’t the softest ice cream, these girls work out the very same muscles required to perform a great hand-job.

Did you know that women develop a muscle in their triceps called the handjovial jobidermus? Scientists are still baffled to this day as to what its purpose is, especially since this particular muscle has only been found to develop in woman’s bodies after hitting puberty. Which leads me to believe this muscle’s sole purpose is to aid in providing a top notch hand-job. Furthermore, after witnessing the technique used by these ice cream girls, which is the same technique patented and distributed by the I.C.S.G.N.A. (Ice Cream Scooper’s Guild of North America), I have determined that the handjovial jobidermus receives a full workout every time these broads take a scoop. Scientifically proving that ice cream scooper girls do indeed give the best handjobs. However, in another study done by the professors at UPV (University of Porno Valley), girls working in creameries were more prone to wanting to lick pussy rather than stroke cock; due to the subliminal recollection of ice cream, licking the ice cream is remembered as more enjoyable than scooping it. Thus creating more of an urge to lick soft, delicious surfaces, such as a vagina.

This study, in all it’s greatness, has lead me to ponder other theories and has raised questions that will lead to other scientific studies. Do girls that milk cows also give great hand-jobs? Or are they more prone to lesbianism due to the urge to always want to milk nipples? Or how about our friend the day spa masseuse… yaaa massage my cock… that’s nice.

For more Mitch Martyn, check out Mitch’s Mullet

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