Best of FKMYSELF: The 12-Year-Old Virgin

One of our readers recounts hitting a pre-teen home run:

By Spanksy

I was supposed to have this written a few weeks ago, but I kept getting distracted and procrasturbating! …Get it? Procrastinating and Mas…tur…bating… *tap *tap Is this thing on?

To say that I was a little sexually precocious as a child would be like saying death valley gets kind of warm in July, that Warren Buffett can probably afford to pick up the check for lunch and that Ron Jeremy has bedded a few women; clearly it’s a complete understatement.

By the time I hit adolescence, I was acting as girl crazy as my 18 and 21 year old cousins. Since I spent most of my youth shadowing them, I picked up things about girls, sex and the attitude that got you both. I was bursting with self confidence and I knew how to wield my sexuality even if, at that point, I still had no fucking clue what sex was really about. But I thought I did.

So it should have been no surprise when I soon after, at the age of 12, lost my virginity.

Ha! “Lost”. “Lost my virginity” is such a funny phrase to me. Lost seems to imply an accident has taken place. “Threw that mother fucker over a cliff” is more apt to describe the tenacity with which I pursued the elusive Vagina. I was on a mission to cure a horny condition. And unlike most other 12 year olds (and unfortunately many much older men) I knew what the clitoris was and more importantly where it sleeps at night and how it likes to be talked to. I knew how to kiss passionately and about how to listen to the needs of each individual woman.

I realize that losing one’s virginity sub 14 years old isn’t very common. I realize that many people have a problem with this. I will be one of the first to say that for 99.9% of kids that age, it is a bad idea. Personally, I have no regrets about it. Whenever I get into a conversation with someone about past sexual experiences and we eventually get to the topic of our virginity, the look I get is always one of two things: 1. Confusion/disbelief. 2. Nervous smile. Mostly it’s a combination of the two strangely alternating on their face in a “what the fuck do I say here?” kind of dance. To understand how at the age of 12 I had sex with a woman of 28, you should probably hear a little about what my upbringing was like.

I can remember touching myself and exploring what was going on down there from as early as 6 years old. I have a memory from when I was about 7 years old about my mom discussing masturbation with me. She’s nervous and a little awkward as she tells me it’s a natural thing that everyone does. Apparently the night before, she returned home from grocery shopping and caught a glimpse of me giving myself the business in my room. Apparently she also began purposely making noise so I would hear she was home and stop my one man band short of the impending crescendo. Apparently I was having too much damn fun to notice there was a world beyond me and my penis, and kept right on going. She decided she should have a talk with me the next day. The thing was, I already knew it wasn’t something shameful or bad…it felt so good, how could it be? But still, when I look back, I am grateful to have had a parent that at least got this part of it right. Had I been in another type of household where masturbation is a “sin” or something to be ashamed of, who knows how that would have shaped me for the rest of my life.

At 9 I found my step-father’s box ‘o porn. Some good shit, some pretty weird shit. And this was before ubiquitous online smut of every flavor and hue. When he discovered some of his tapes were out of place, he asked me about it and I admitted my actions. He never once said anything negative about it. He would openly joke with me about it, but never in a way that was meant to make me feel silly or ashamed.

At 11, my mom agreed to let me keep a stack of Playboy magazines which her current boyfriend had, at first, unsuccessfully tried to sneak over for me. This made me a very popular kid among my friends.

This open parental consent and championing of sexuality was the seed of my blooming sexual confidence. This of course led to confidence in other aspects of my personality and you might argue that this is what led to me having sex at such a young age. You might, but you’d be wrong. Mostly wrong, anyway. I believe the biggest contributing factor was actually what my parents got wrong about my upbringing. My biological father would never be in the picture and my step-father was almost never there. My mother was a single parent for most of my life and took a rather “laissez-faire” stance on my rearing. I never had a curfew and I was very rarely in any kind of trouble with her for the trouble that I was in with other authority figures. Exploration was common not just with sex, but also with drugs and other forms of behavior.

My Cherry Poppin’ Mama, let’s just call her Mary Kay, was actually a close friend of my mom; and the mother of a friend of mine. Got it? Not exactly a perfect situation, but it was what it was. Mary Kay and I had a bit of an affair building for some time. It started out one night with a kiss that left her briefly in shock; I still remember her pulling back after a few seconds and saying, “You’re not supposed to know how to kiss like that” before going back in for more. Each time we would be at a social gathering, she and I would sneak off and I would sweet talk her like I had learned to do. I would touch her and ask her to describe how it felt so her mind would focus deeply on each touch. After a number of these secret meetings, one night I came home from being out with friends to find her at my house. She had made an excuse to my mom for why she needed to be there.

This was premeditated.

She waited for my mom to fall asleep and told her she would let herself out. When I walked in the door, she pounced. She pulled me close and whispered to me that she couldn’t stand it any longer, that she needed to have me now. I picked her up and carried her to my room as silently as possible. My mom was sleeping in the next room and I knew that despite how open she had been before, this would not be something that she would be okay with. Mary Kay pulled off my shirt and tore at my belt before slowing down like she was about to undo the last bit of ribbon on a birthday present. She took me in her mouth and began to moan as nature took over and my penis became a cock. She was speeding up and seemed now too eager to have me inside of her. I slowed her down and stripped her remaining clothes off one by one. As I laid her on her back, I went down on her with a zealousness seldom seen in competitive eating champions. I covered her mouth with my hand to muffle her sounds, her back arched and her muscles tensed in one unifying tight burst before relaxing and sinking back into my shitty, polyester, KMart bed spread. She then took me in her hands and stroked until I was ready. That first moment when you have breached the walls and feel yourself surrounded by the warmth and wetness is not easy to describe. I felt for the first time the miracle of sex. The simultaneous delight of pleasing and being pleased.

That was my first time. I kept it a secret for a whole week before I told my best friend at the time. I replayed each moment in detail and felt a different kind of excitement come over me. The thought of not just my friend, but knowing that this story will eventually get out and other girls soon having thoughts of me rock around in their mind thoroughly excited me. I had a premonition of what was to come for the next several years of my life. My legend was established. I was the youngest person anyone knew of that had sex. I was also the only one to have slept not with a girl, but a woman. By the time High School came along, most other people I knew were openly having sex and exploring their sexuality. High School was a very fun and educational time for many of us in this sense.

In college my number of partners grew. However, so did my understanding of sex and the purpose it can have in one’s life and relationships. Sex is at it’s best for me when it’s with someone I truly care about. Sex with anyone else is still pretty good, mind you, but it took me a long time and a number of sexual encounters to fully comprehend what some people already knew: that there is a depth and tranquility that come with giving all of yourself and receiving all of another in mind and body. First, however, you must understand yourself. Be understanding of your flaws and remember that love is all around you. You reach this special place by first loving yourself and a great way to begin is by loving yourself physically. Today, I maintain that an open attitude towards sex and masturbation are crucial to overall mental health and in feeling connected not just with another, but with yourself and a greater, more mysterious energy you feel when at peace.

No matter how you lost it, or if you still haven’t, learn from what took me a while to figure out is most important. Work on loving yourself and someone will eventually love you the same.

Any questions, comments, statements, inquiries or things you want to know? Please feel free to speak up below.

R. Kelly Anti-masturbation video: funny or frightening? (VIDEO)

This week a video has been making the rounds on the interwebs that may at first glance seem hilarious but upon further examination is really pretty scary and honestly quite infuriating. Jehovah’s Witnesses created a series of American Sign Language videos, one of which explains to people why they shouldn’t be masturbating.  Someone had the genius idea of adding a soundtrack to it: R. Kelly’s classic “Ignition (Remix)”. The original was taken down due to a copyright claim by Watch Tower Bible, but luckily other versions are still available online:

Some thought the PSA had to be a fake because of the comically exaggerated facial expressions, but the video is sadly very real (facial expressions are an integral part of ASL). Your first question might be, as one reddit user posed, “what’s he saying at the part where he clearly cums on his chest and then rubs it around and then is like OH SHIT GROSS I JUST RUBBED SEMEN ALL OVER ME?” You can try to figure it out because another user posted a loose translation:

Hi some of you are used to male masturbating or female masturbating, may feel nothing wrong

Oh, Jehovah is looking and is disgusted, why? Masturbating is inherently selfish and is all focused on your inner wants.

What is sex for? Sex is for men and women who love each other.

Some people are overcome by lust and say they need to masturbate for relief. They can hold that back. People that masturbate will be overcome by more feelings of lust and will be compelled to masturbate more. They will have sex on the brain constantly.

They will look at men and woman with lust. Here’s what Paul said

Third guy – Corinthians

It’s important to keep your mind and body pure. Any thoughts that sully the body, Jesus (Jehovah) is against it. Purify the body for the sake of being the same as Jesus (Jehovah).

Back to second guy

It’s important to keep the mind and body pure. If you’ve been masturbating for awhile, it may be tough to stop even if you want to. If you have failures, you may feel like you’re failing in the eyes of Jehovah. But, Jehovah won’t view you like that. Jehovah knows you through and through, and understands your travails and struggles. If you beg for forgiveness, Jehovah will understand and forgive. Don’t be afraid to ask Jehovah for help and understanding. The relationship between you and Jehovah is like a father and children. When children do something wrong and ask their father for forgiveness, the father is understanding and comforting. Just like the father, Jehovah is forgiving.

But, is it enough to just do wrong and ask for forgiveness? No. You must also act the part. If your friends confess to masturbation, cut them out of your life. Don’t watch porn. Put your computer in a public place so that you’re not tempted to look at porn. If suggestive ads bother and tempt you, buy a blocking program. They aren’t perfect, but the blockers can help.

If you still struggle with masturbation still, tell your mother and father (unclear here. Strict translation is Jehovah Mother Father, or Jehovah Witness Mother Father). 

Or tell a brother and sister (same issue here).

 It should come as no surprise that Jehovah’s witnesses only consider sex to be an appropriate act between a man and a woman. But cutting people out of your life because they masturbate?? That seems rather un-Christ like. I will never understand why in this day and age people continue to perpetuate sexual shame and encourage denial of our most basic and natural human instinct. Especially because the consequences can be disastrous; back in 1975, neuropsychologist James Prescott published a paper after conducting extensive cross-cultural research on tolerance for adolescent sexual behavior and compared that data with levels of violence within and between societies.

He found that “deprivation of body pleasure throughout life–but particularly during the formative periods of infancy, childhood, and adolescence–is very closely related to the amount of warfare and interpersonal violence.” As Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá note in their New York Times bestseller Sex At Dawn (get a copy now!), cultures that don’t “prohibit the expression of adolescent sexuality show far lower levels of violence–both between individuals and between societies.”  It would certainly explain all the saber rattling that goes on in our shame-based American culture.

This sexual shame even permeates our legal system: Ryan and Jethá write:

In 2003, seventeen-year-old honor student and homecoming king Genarlow Wilson was caught having consensual oral sex with his girlfriend, who had not yet turned sixteen. He was convicted of aggravated child molestation, sentenced to a minimum of ten years in a Georgia prison, and forced to register as a sex offender for life.

Quite a message we’re sending out to our youth.  Do you think sexual repression in America leads to more violence? Weigh in below.


Ke$ha claims she had sex with a ghost. How common is this really?

So this is why she wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Singer Ke$ha told Ryan Seacrest in a recent radio show interview that her new song “Supernatural” is “about experiences with the supernatural, but in a sexy way. I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural.”

Who was this sexy ghost? “I don’t know his name,” Ke$ha tells Seacrest. “He was a ghost! I’m very open to it.” Ke$ha continues describing her upcoming album Warrior, which will be released on December 4th: “There are so many weird topics on this record, from having sexy time with a ghost to getting hypnotized and going into past lives. I just really wanted the theme of this record to be the magic of life.”


Magical indeed. Most of you probably remember Dan Aykroyd’s character enjoying some paranormal kink in Ghostbusters and I’m sure women all across America have fantasized about being haunted by the ghost of Patrick Swayze. But does this kind of thing actually happen to people in real life?

There’s a term for such a phenomenon that also describes people who are sexually attracted to ghosts: it’s spectrophilia. And there are all kinds of accounts of people claiming to have had such paranormal experiences.  A special airing on the Travel Channel last year aptly titled Ghostly Lovers featured several women describing their sexual encounters with ghosts.  “My husband died in my arms and then came back and made love to me” claims a woman named Stephanie. She goes on to describe a conversation with a recently widowed friend: “‘So Jean, has your husband come back to have sex with you yet?’ She said, ‘Yes, how did you know??'”

“I hope the people watching the show will realize that when they have experiences they think are strange, there are probably other people out there who have had them” says one Ghostly Lover.

We’ve seen a slew of vampire romance stories in the last few years. Perhaps ghost sex will be the next big thing?


–Kim H.




Image of Ke$sha from Maxim

San Francisco 49ers release ‘It Gets Better’ message (VIDEO)

This week San Francisco’s 49ers became the first NFL team to make their own It Gets Better video, releasing a 60 second clip featuring Ricky Jean Francois, Isaac Sopoaga and Donte Whitner telling LGBT teens that the team is on their side. Take a look:

SF weekly notes:

Of course, the team had some atoning to do on this front. Back in 2002, running back Garrison Hearst made a public apology to the gay community after he was quoted saying “I don’t want any faggots on my team.”

Although they are the first professional football team to produce an It Gets Better video, they aren’t the first sports team; last year the San Francisco Giants started a trend among professional athletes when it released a 60-second video featuring some of your favorite Giants, Matt Cain and Barry Zito, speaking out against bullying and letting LGBT youngsters know that the entire team is behind them.

One of the team’s openly gay fans, Sean Chapin (who also petitioned for the Giants video), launched a petition asking the 49ers to make a video. It drew nearly 16,000 signatures. Chapin said in a statement, “Let’s hope this is only the beginning, and that more NFL and professional sports teams around the country take this opportunity to speak up on behalf of LGBT fans and kids.”

Raging Grannies respond to Akin with ‘Legitimate Rape’ Song (VIDEO)

I hope when I’m old and grey I’ll have the wherewithal to compose musical responses to idiotic political gaffes by incompetent GOP representatives. Leave it to The Renegade Raging Grannies to come up with this creative rebuttal to congressman Todd Akin’s comments about a woman’s body being able to repel unwanted sperm and avoid pregnancy in instances of “legitimate rape”:

Here are the sassy lyrics by Vicki Ryder:

Legitimate rape is great birth control

So says Todd Akin and he oughta know

If we are raped we can rest unafraid 

‘Cause we can’t get pregnant if forcibly laid

Our female bodies are clever that way

We only get pregnant when we say ‘Ok!’

Doctors have told him so it must be so

The stork only comes if we don’t say no! 

Rape won’t make babies and that is a fact

There’s no global warming, the earth’s really flat

We’ve heard it on Fox News so it must be true

Well Mr. Akin we say FUCK YOU!

Rock on grannies, rock on.

Mitt Romney erotic fiction?!

Yesterday I came across a funny piece from McSweeney’s by Wendy Molyneux entitled Mitt Romney Writes Erotic Fiction About Himself:

It was 7:30 pm on a Wednesday, and Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and presumptive Republican nominee for President, had made a decision. He was going to have sex with his wife Ann Romney. He was going to use his penis to do it. His real penis. And it was okay for him to do that because they were married and also because she was home… 

Little did I know that the interwebs are chock full of Romney/Ryan erotic fan fiction. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Seems that if something exists, there’s a porn/erotica version of it somewhere online. And as The Atlantic Wire points out,

[I]t’s not like journalists aren’t seriously discussing Ryan’s P90x workout routine or his ill-fitting suits, reframing this wonkiest of wonks into, well, a sex symbol. Whether they know it or not, these legitimate writers are dabbling in the same kind of fetishizing obsession as fan fiction creators.

Like the fetishizing obsession of author Bailey Marie, who released a 99-cent kindle book, Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash-fic, highlights of which include:

‘Paul?’ Mitt asked, curiously. ‘Is that you?’ A meaty neigh came out of the man before him, stark naked and on all fours. He wore a mohawk of a wig, a $20,000 polished leather saddle over his back, and a plug stuffed into his backside that gave him a beautiful arching tail. He reared up onto his hind legs, revealing the horse-like manhood on his underside…‘Screw me like we’ll screw the poor,’ Mitt called out… 

If that’s not enough to get your motor running, here are some visuals courtesy of the Paul Ryan x Mitt Romney Fanfiction tumblr:

Ah l’amour.

Start your morning off right with a vibrator alarm clock!

Which way would you rather wake up if given the choice? To an annoying noise? Or to your favorite feeling?

Why rely on caffeine to get you going in the morning when you can wake up with an orgasm? A new alarm clock/sex toy appropriately dubbed The Little Rooster is designed to stir you from your slumber with some good vibrations. It has 30 power levels to choose from and you can pick how gently it starts, the intensity it goes to and how long it lasts.

There’s even a snoregasm setting to give you an extra ten minutes of “sleep” (while it continues to buzz away).

From the product description at

The Little Rooster is the first and only alarm clock specifically designed to make sure you wake up loving mornings by gently waking you from your slumber with pleasure. 

Curving comfortably around your pubic mound, the Little Rooster sits inside your knickers but outside your body. The wide, flat head stabilises the unit against your pubic bone and is exceptionally thin for maximum comfort. The vibrating leg rests against your clitoris and labia. No part of the Little Rooster is worn internally...once you have woken up to the Little Rooster, you won’t want to wake any other way!

This little guy is available in pink or white and can be yours for only £68.95 ($108.93)!

CDC finds less teens are getting to 3rd base

Data released this week by The National Center for Health Statistics, a division of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, showed an overall decrease in oral sex among adolescents (at least females, not males) between 2002 and 2010, as well as a small decline in vaginal intercourse with the same age group.

In February of this year, the Guttmacher Institute reported that teen pregnancies are at their lowest level in nearly 40 years.

 Camira Powell, in a recent post for, writes:

As much as these numbers are cause for celebration, the fight for adequate sex education in schools in lieu of abstinence-only education has not been given any thought this election season. When first elected to office, the Obama administration provided more funds to programs that took an evidence-based approach to teaching sex and health education. Evidence-based programs give students the facts about things like sexual intercourse, STIs and pregnancy prevention using contraception. However, with the passing of his Affordable Care Act, Obama is now backing conservative abstinence-only programs in public secondary schools. Romney, on the other hand, has remained mum on the issue in recent months, though he has publicly supported abstinence-only sex education in the past.

With studies showing time and time again that students with comprehensive sex ed are 60% less likely to get pregnant (or to get someone else pregnant) than those with abstinence-only education, it becomes clear why this issue should be given more attention. Although this issue does not seem as pressing as the budget deficit or unrest in the Middle East, it is a topic worthy of discussion, given that the CDC reports that half of all new STIs occur in people ages 15 – 24.

…If the two presidential candidates are really concerned with the health and safety of American youth, than it’s time they start talking –– and doing –– something about it.

For realz. Politicians often forget that this truly is a matter of life and death. ABC News reports:

The CDC has taken an increased interest in the data because of the rise of sexually transmitted diseases, including a spike in HIV infection rates among males 13 to 29 years old.

Although the risk for HIV/AIDS through oral sex is lower than vaginal intercourse or anal sex, according to the CDC, the transmission rates for genital herpes, gonorrhea and syphilis are considerably higher.

Some studies have found that an increase in oral cancers in the United States is associated with the human papillomavirus, and researchers attribute that to the popularity of oral sex.

Obviously people are going to continue to have all kinds of sex, as they very well should. The enjoyment of physical sensual pleasure is a basic human right too often associated with religious shame in our culture.  But putting more emphasis on comprehensive sex education will help to ensure that kids are going to be safe and smart about it when they do start making these big decisions about getting physical. And you know inside they’re all just screaming:

Image from

Best of FKMYSELF: Anonymous Wanker Stories

As the anniversary of our relaunch approaches, I thought it would be fun to go back through the archives and put together some of our favorite reader submissions from the beta version of our site. Enjoy!

I was 11 when I started dry-humping my couch.  I was “sick” that day and my parents were at work, and I remember thinking to myself, “if only the cushions were wet.  And warm.”  Needless to say, boiling water and pouring it on the couch cushions did nothing but force me to lie and tell my parents that our cat peed on them.  He was neutered the following week.  Sorry Patches. ~anonymous chicken choker


Back in 7th grade I took home Ec class to get out of taking other more masculine classes, and one of the things they had us do was sewing. They made the girls sew something girly like a big pretty flower or a glass ceiling, and they had the guys sew giant footballs. So I sewed me a giant football and took it home, and pretty much immediately I started to fuck it late at night. I fucked that football for like 3 weeks, fucking it in a little hole that had formed in the middle where I hadn’t sewn it properly, and I would hide it under my bed. Until my dad found it one day and asked why I had a giant, flat, crusty, hard football under my belt. I told him I was jumping on it and spilled milk on it. But we both knew what was up. He was pretty cool about it, I think he thought there was something way hetero about fucking a giant football to death. ~anonymous chicken choker


A girlfriend of mine once told me “you are the only person I know who has ever scarred herself masturbating.” … I returned home one Sunday evening after a long weekend of escapist partying, and decided the best thing to do would be to get in the bathtub and rub one out (rather than fall into bed like any respectable party girl). I proceeded to lay in a reclined position for the next 2? 3? hours in a semi-trance-fantasy state. When I got out I had a pressure sore which now looks like the site of a mole removal on my lower back. Pathetic or professional… I have no regrets! ~anonymous double mouse clicker


Ever fallen asleep while trying to rub one out?  It can be pretty embarrassing to be woken-up the next morning, (TV blaring the sounds of the Jenna Jameson Menu screen, lotion to your left, rag to your right, pants around your ankles) by your parents visiting for the weekend.  ~anonymous chicken choker


A guy in our house would buy his Trojans from Costco and go-through about 36 condoms every 1-2 weeks. We knew there was no way he was getting laid that much, so we asked him. “I don’t use them for intercourse,” he answered, “but they’re great for when I masturbate around campus — it’s like having lube, a catch-rag, and easy cleanup in your back pocket.” ~anonymous chicken choker


Sometimes when I’m stuck in traffic I’ll pull up porn on my iphone and discreetly go to town. Much harder to do when you’re wearing jeans, and my windows aren’t even tinted! ~anonymous double mouse clicker


So, I was 17 years old… at work… on the beach… lifeguarding.. It was very hot out… There were a lot of cute girls around.. in bikinis… My horny standpartner… a muscular guy in his mid twenties… needed to take a little break… As it turns out.. He jerked off in the nearest porta-potty at the bulkhead backbeach… With suntan lotion!!!.. Pretty foul huh? I mean, I’ve jerked off at job or two… and several times in my life I used suntan lotion as a lube… But a PortaPotty?? In the summer?? On the beach??!!!! SweatySloppySmellsness!!!!!!! ~The more patient chicken-chokin-lifeguard that hot summer day


Some people think I’m a bit strange because I carry my go-to vibrator around with me everywhere (literally). I now buy purses specifically so that there are compartments where I can easily hide “The Mole,” as I call it. My rationalization is that I never know when and where things will become fun, so like a good boyscout, in my case a girlscout, I’m trying to always be prepared. As you can imagine, before I had refined my hiding abilities of my little toy, carrying this bad boy around was risky and risque. It was especially bad in college when I would go into my class, put my purse on the floor…and then in about 1 minute, the room would quiet down in preparation for the professor to speak…only my class would get a confounded look on their face as the ever-present buzzing of my vibrator would permeate the dead silence. Not on me, in my purse. “The Mole” is designed in such a way that the top of it twists very easily, controlling the on/off function and the intensity…In these moments, I used to blush and get horribly embarrassed, hiding my face as best as I could without giving away my dirty little secret. Word to the wise: Coach purses have great hidden compartments. I wish I knew that then! ~anonymous double mouse clicker


So after working a ludicrous amount of hours each day for a ludicrous amount of days, I had forgotten to partake in the bi-daily (and sometimes daily) act of loving myself. So after about a month of not jacking it, I went all out with the sensuous music, spending circa 20 minutes to find the perfect outlet for this beautiful venture. Music, check. Porn, check. Volume at a controllable level, check. Let’s do this. I’m hacking away, and oh was it glorious, but I wanted this to be special. Usually I conceal the excrements in a paper towel or, Lord help me, a sock (a man gets desperate sometimes) but I wanted this to be “Au Naturale”, you know the way God intended. After about 5 minutes of FK’ing Myself, I came with such power and grace it flew into the midday air like a phoenix…only this phoenix thought my face was the sun. Yes, that’s right, I blew my load on my own face. It was a disgraceful time, to be completely honest with you. I never looked at “myself” the same. Our relationship was tarnished. ~anonymous chicken choker


I was about 6 years old when I discovered the miracle of pool jets. Me: “Why does my vagina get itchy when I put it here?” Mom: “Maybe you shouldn’t put it there honey…” I later learned that shower heads offer the same pleasure with a little more privacy ~anonymous double mouse clicker


I was about 13. I was sitting on an exercise ball in the middle of my living room watching a porno my friend had let me borrow. I was jacking off and all of a sudden a white liquid came out of my dick. Though I’d been masturbating for years, this had never happened before. I thought, “What is this?? This is gross!” I vowed that I would never touch myself again. I then proceeded to touch myself every single day the next week. The end. ~anonymous chicken choker


When I was 9 I was at baseball practice and asked one of my teammates what he’d been doing all day.  His response: “Jacking-off all afternoon”.  I had no idea what that meant.  I thought it was some sort of construction.  Until I went home and asked my parents at dinner.  In front of my grandparents.  And my grandmother gave me the answer.  With hand motions. ~anonymous chicken choker

Image from

Jon Stewart takes on Boyscouts and Chick-fil-A in ‘Gaywatch’ segment (VIDEO)

On The Daily Show‘s ‘Gaywatch’ segment yesterday, Jon Stewart reported on The Boyscouts of America and Chick-fil-A’s reaffirmation of their intolerant, anti-gay views. “The army may now be hospitable to gay people, but the fake army for children isn’t giving in,” joked Stewart, who went on to say: “I don’t want to minimize the concerns of the Boy Scouts, but you’re already the gayest organization in America,” citing their penchant for neckerchiefs and basket weaving.

After playing a clip of Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy’s arguing that same-sex marriage defies God’s will, Stewart opens the bible to see what it really does have to say about marriage. From one of many ridiculous biblical passages, reads: “‘If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her, and they are discovered, he shall pay her father 50 shackles of silver.’ He’s not an asshole.” (Sidenote: I just watched a disturbing documentary over the weekend, For The Bible Tells Me So, which explores the ways scripture has been misused to foster sexual discrimination over the years. Apparently one of the passages many Christians cite that calls homosexuality an ‘abomination’ declares eating shellfish to be an abomination as well! Why aren’t these right wingers protesting outside Red Lobster?)

Take a look:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Gaywatch – Holdouts Edition
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

News. Interviews. Stories. Confessions. Share yours today. Sexual freedom fighters unite!