Category Archives: LULLZ

Watch John Oliver Take On Abstinence Education (VIDEO)

I have been frustrated for years with the lack of comprehensive sex education in this country. Few people take the time to bring attention to this pressing issue, which is literally a matter of life and death (as my dad pointed out when he bought me condoms freshman year of college). So I was overjoyed to see John Oliver tackle this topic on the latest episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight. 

While conservatives are always stressing that sex ed should be taught at home, Oliver points out that “no parent wants to talk to their kids about sex, and no kid wants to talk about sex with their parents. That is why when you’re watching a movie together and there’s a sex scene, everyone becomes motionless and silently begs for the merciful release of death.” He also brings attention to the fact that Mississippi, where teachers are restricted from using condoms in educational demonstrations, ranks #2 in the country in teen pregnancy rates. After sharing hilarious/frightening clips from outdated and out of touch sex ed videos, Oliver shares his own version featuring featuring OITNB’s Laverne Cox, Jack McBrayer, Kristen Schaal and Nick Offerman. Well done, sir. Well done.

 

‘Gigglestick’ – a new take on adult coloring books

Adult coloring books have recently become all the rage. But if you’re looking for something a little more exciting to shade in than flowers and butterflies, my friend Charlie, AKA Richard Dickens, has just published The World Famous Gigglestick Activity Book. For only $9.99, you’ll find crossword puzzles, word seeks, connect the dots and kinky illustrations galore. It’s perfect for bachelorette parties and even comes with a four pack of crayons. Peek inside:

 

gigglestick gigglestick3 gigglestick4 gigglestick6

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R. Kelly Anti-masturbation video: funny or frightening? (VIDEO)

This week a video has been making the rounds on the interwebs that may at first glance seem hilarious but upon further examination is really pretty scary and honestly quite infuriating. Jehovah’s Witnesses created a series of American Sign Language videos, one of which explains to people why they shouldn’t be masturbating.  Someone had the genius idea of adding a soundtrack to it: R. Kelly’s classic “Ignition (Remix)”. The original was taken down due to a copyright claim by Watch Tower Bible, but luckily other versions are still available online:

Some thought the PSA had to be a fake because of the comically exaggerated facial expressions, but the video is sadly very real (facial expressions are an integral part of ASL). Your first question might be, as one reddit user posed, “what’s he saying at the part where he clearly cums on his chest and then rubs it around and then is like OH SHIT GROSS I JUST RUBBED SEMEN ALL OVER ME?” You can try to figure it out because another user posted a loose translation:

Hi some of you are used to male masturbating or female masturbating, may feel nothing wrong

Oh, Jehovah is looking and is disgusted, why? Masturbating is inherently selfish and is all focused on your inner wants.

What is sex for? Sex is for men and women who love each other.

Some people are overcome by lust and say they need to masturbate for relief. They can hold that back. People that masturbate will be overcome by more feelings of lust and will be compelled to masturbate more. They will have sex on the brain constantly.

They will look at men and woman with lust. Here’s what Paul said

Third guy – Corinthians

It’s important to keep your mind and body pure. Any thoughts that sully the body, Jesus (Jehovah) is against it. Purify the body for the sake of being the same as Jesus (Jehovah).

Back to second guy

It’s important to keep the mind and body pure. If you’ve been masturbating for awhile, it may be tough to stop even if you want to. If you have failures, you may feel like you’re failing in the eyes of Jehovah. But, Jehovah won’t view you like that. Jehovah knows you through and through, and understands your travails and struggles. If you beg for forgiveness, Jehovah will understand and forgive. Don’t be afraid to ask Jehovah for help and understanding. The relationship between you and Jehovah is like a father and children. When children do something wrong and ask their father for forgiveness, the father is understanding and comforting. Just like the father, Jehovah is forgiving.

But, is it enough to just do wrong and ask for forgiveness? No. You must also act the part. If your friends confess to masturbation, cut them out of your life. Don’t watch porn. Put your computer in a public place so that you’re not tempted to look at porn. If suggestive ads bother and tempt you, buy a blocking program. They aren’t perfect, but the blockers can help.

If you still struggle with masturbation still, tell your mother and father (unclear here. Strict translation is Jehovah Mother Father, or Jehovah Witness Mother Father). 

Or tell a brother and sister (same issue here).

 It should come as no surprise that Jehovah’s witnesses only consider sex to be an appropriate act between a man and a woman. But cutting people out of your life because they masturbate?? That seems rather un-Christ like. I will never understand why in this day and age people continue to perpetuate sexual shame and encourage denial of our most basic and natural human instinct. Especially because the consequences can be disastrous; back in 1975, neuropsychologist James Prescott published a paper after conducting extensive cross-cultural research on tolerance for adolescent sexual behavior and compared that data with levels of violence within and between societies.

He found that “deprivation of body pleasure throughout life–but particularly during the formative periods of infancy, childhood, and adolescence–is very closely related to the amount of warfare and interpersonal violence.” As Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá note in their New York Times bestseller Sex At Dawn (get a copy now!), cultures that don’t “prohibit the expression of adolescent sexuality show far lower levels of violence–both between individuals and between societies.”  It would certainly explain all the saber rattling that goes on in our shame-based American culture.

This sexual shame even permeates our legal system: Ryan and Jethá write:

In 2003, seventeen-year-old honor student and homecoming king Genarlow Wilson was caught having consensual oral sex with his girlfriend, who had not yet turned sixteen. He was convicted of aggravated child molestation, sentenced to a minimum of ten years in a Georgia prison, and forced to register as a sex offender for life.

Quite a message we’re sending out to our youth.  Do you think sexual repression in America leads to more violence? Weigh in below.

 

Raging Grannies respond to Akin with ‘Legitimate Rape’ Song (VIDEO)

I hope when I’m old and grey I’ll have the wherewithal to compose musical responses to idiotic political gaffes by incompetent GOP representatives. Leave it to The Renegade Raging Grannies to come up with this creative rebuttal to congressman Todd Akin’s comments about a woman’s body being able to repel unwanted sperm and avoid pregnancy in instances of “legitimate rape”:

Here are the sassy lyrics by Vicki Ryder:

Legitimate rape is great birth control

So says Todd Akin and he oughta know

If we are raped we can rest unafraid 

‘Cause we can’t get pregnant if forcibly laid

Our female bodies are clever that way

We only get pregnant when we say ‘Ok!’

Doctors have told him so it must be so

The stork only comes if we don’t say no! 

Rape won’t make babies and that is a fact

There’s no global warming, the earth’s really flat

We’ve heard it on Fox News so it must be true

Well Mr. Akin we say FUCK YOU!

Rock on grannies, rock on.

Mitt Romney erotic fiction?!

Yesterday I came across a funny piece from McSweeney’s by Wendy Molyneux entitled Mitt Romney Writes Erotic Fiction About Himself:

It was 7:30 pm on a Wednesday, and Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and presumptive Republican nominee for President, had made a decision. He was going to have sex with his wife Ann Romney. He was going to use his penis to do it. His real penis. And it was okay for him to do that because they were married and also because she was home… 

Little did I know that the interwebs are chock full of Romney/Ryan erotic fan fiction. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Seems that if something exists, there’s a porn/erotica version of it somewhere online. And as The Atlantic Wire points out,

[I]t’s not like journalists aren’t seriously discussing Ryan’s P90x workout routine or his ill-fitting suits, reframing this wonkiest of wonks into, well, a sex symbol. Whether they know it or not, these legitimate writers are dabbling in the same kind of fetishizing obsession as fan fiction creators.

Like the fetishizing obsession of author Bailey Marie, who released a 99-cent kindle book, Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash-fic, highlights of which include:

‘Paul?’ Mitt asked, curiously. ‘Is that you?’ A meaty neigh came out of the man before him, stark naked and on all fours. He wore a mohawk of a wig, a $20,000 polished leather saddle over his back, and a plug stuffed into his backside that gave him a beautiful arching tail. He reared up onto his hind legs, revealing the horse-like manhood on his underside…‘Screw me like we’ll screw the poor,’ Mitt called out… 

If that’s not enough to get your motor running, here are some visuals courtesy of the Paul Ryan x Mitt Romney Fanfiction tumblr:

Ah l’amour.

Jon Stewart takes on Boyscouts and Chick-fil-A in ‘Gaywatch’ segment (VIDEO)

On The Daily Show‘s ‘Gaywatch’ segment yesterday, Jon Stewart reported on The Boyscouts of America and Chick-fil-A’s reaffirmation of their intolerant, anti-gay views. “The army may now be hospitable to gay people, but the fake army for children isn’t giving in,” joked Stewart, who went on to say: “I don’t want to minimize the concerns of the Boy Scouts, but you’re already the gayest organization in America,” citing their penchant for neckerchiefs and basket weaving.

After playing a clip of Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy’s arguing that same-sex marriage defies God’s will, Stewart opens the bible to see what it really does have to say about marriage. From one of many ridiculous biblical passages, reads: “‘If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her, and they are discovered, he shall pay her father 50 shackles of silver.’ He’s not an asshole.” (Sidenote: I just watched a disturbing documentary over the weekend, For The Bible Tells Me So, which explores the ways scripture has been misused to foster sexual discrimination over the years. Apparently one of the passages many Christians cite that calls homosexuality an ‘abomination’ declares eating shellfish to be an abomination as well! Why aren’t these right wingers protesting outside Red Lobster?)

Take a look:

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Gaywatch – Holdouts Edition
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Chinese street cleaner tries to cash in after villagers confuse sex toy for mushroom (VIDEO)

The first time I saw this report I swore we being trolled by some Asian version of The Onion. But it seems a Chinese news station did indeed mistake a sex toy dug up by rural Liuncunbu villagers, who were constructing a well, for a type of lingzhi fungus.

Confused residents contacted the news program Xi’an Up Close who sent reporter Yunfeng Ye to the scene. Ye tells viewers in the segment: “[Villagers] tell me that earlier in the afternoon while they were digging they found a soft slimy object that looked like a plant. Even the village elder, who is above 80 years old, has not seen such a plant before.”

Upon inspection, she declares that “the two sides both have the shapes of mushroom heads… Touching it, it is very smooth. Giving the feeling of a type of meat.”

One of the men drilling who found the toy says, “It has an eye and a nose, but we don’t know what it is.”

ABC News reports:

After the program aired, many viewers immediately recognized the object as a sex toy modeled after female genitalia… the day after the program aired the Xi’an news station posted an apology on Sina Weibo, a Chinese blogging website.

“Our program last night made everyone laugh,” the apology said, expressing regret for an “uncomfortable and misleading” report. “Our reporter is very young and sheltered.”

As are the residents of Liucunbu apparently. One can only imagine how the toy ended up 80 meters underground to begin with. Check out the report below:

As soon as this video went viral, footage surfaced of a Chinese street cleaner attempting to pass off sex toys as taisui longevity mushrooms. His asking price? $2800. “It’s on the news. How can it be fake?” he purportedly snapped when asked by the crowd how the mushrooms could be real. Take a look:

Jon Stewart awkwardly discusses vibrators with Maggie Gylenhaal (VIDEO)

Jon Stewart recently had Maggie Gylenhaal as a guest on his show to discuss her new film, Hysteria, based on historical events surrounding the invention of the vibrator in Victorian England. This was a time period, as Stewart puts it, “when men made the decisions about women’s health without the knowledge or the emotional ability to understand”. And look how far we’ve come! He gets flustered when the conversation eventually turns to the female orgasm and finally gives up, saying “fuck this, how’s your brother?” Check it out: