All posts by FKMYSELF

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it." -Bette Davis

Readers Confess: Amerika’s Tunnel

It all started at a nightclub in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The name of the nightclub is Amerika. As a kid I’ve heard so much about it; everybody talked about it because it originally started as a gay club but then (as usual) heterosexuals realized how much fun gays have and the club became a good mix of people trying to have fun.

There were two floors; downstairs people were dancing and drinking and mingling. Guys were hawking and ready to attack. Amerika is the kind of place where you pay a cover and get unlimited heaps of alcohol, but I was already wasted by the time we got to the club.

Upstairs was the infamous “Tunnel”. If someone ever mentioned Amerika, they would talk about this spot; it was dark and people who went through were looking for some sort of sexual encounter.

We had a drink at the bar downstairs and then I decided to go play in the tunnel. I never liked the chit chat when it comes to hooking up with someone; I don’t want to hear about you or your life. I just want to play. Do people judge this behavior? YES! Absolutely. But I don’t care. Judgement has a lot to do with other people’s fear and insecurity. I’m not killing or robbing anyone, I’m just looking for sexual satisfaction.

Growing up wasn’t that easy; I dealt with a lot of conservative and structured bullshit from the people who surrounded me. I didn’t fit in and was always wondering whether the stuff in my head was “weird” because that’s how people made me feel. Somehow I came to realize that we are all different and I didn’t have to be afraid or stop doing what I felt like doing just because it didn’t seem right to others. I also learned that it’s all about confidence. If you hesitate you lose and I realized I didn’t want to lose anymore– that’s when I grew up. But back to the tunnel…

I looked around and scanned the crowd in the darkness as much as I could. There were two hot guys: one was standing and the other one was on his knees blowing him. I made eye contact with the one being blown, rapidly approached him and without hesitation got on my knees and started blowing him with the other guy. The guy on the floor and I were making out and having fun with each other. I wasn’t nervous– I was excited and trying something new. I love making out, and to say hello to the guy whose dick was in my mouth, I stood up and gave him a couple of kisses. So far I was just giving head with someone else but I wanted to spice things up a little bit more. A lot of people were watching but I didn’t care; I guess it turned me on even more.

The guy on his knees stood back up and the three of us made out. I let them kiss and got on my knees again while unzipping the other guy’s pants. I played with his hard cock for a few seconds and ended up with both dicks in my mouth. It felt really good. I didn’t pick just any random guy- when I see someone I can tell he is well put together. Both of them smelled fresh and delicious.

None of the guys understood what was happening and neither did I, but it was fun and hot. Only one of the guys came. That’s when I stood back up, kissed both of them on the mouth and said goodbye. I didn’t ask for numbers, names or any contact information. I didn’t need it.

People are quick to judge these situations, but the way I see it it’s just normal human behavior. Who says we have to go through 5 different dates before it’s okay to have sex? Not that it isn’t sometimes fun to wait; it builds up the moment, but things can go either way once it happens. You are not a better person for not having sex with random people- you are just keeping yourself from liberating the sexual tension almost every human experiences. And I get it, not everyone experiences that urge, but most of the people who do keep it undercover because they are ashamed of it. Ladies and Gentlemen– there is nothing to be ashamed of. Being horny is feeling alive.

We all have needs and we live to satisfy these needs, so go out in the world and be horny.

–M.

Porn sex vs real sex (VIDEO)

Many people over the years, particularly women, have expressed concern over the role pornography has played in setting unreasonable expectations in the bedroom, especially amongst young people who are receiving all of  their sex education by watching Redtube and YouPorn (damn those abstinence only programs!). Cindy Gallop, the creative mind behind Make Love Not Porn, proclaims to be “pro sex, pro porn, pro knowing the difference.”

Now a NY production company called Kornhaber Brown [KB] has put out an amusing short film illustrating some of these differences with food:

The only access to porn I had as a kid was the scrambled variety on channel 99. One early confession from an anonymous girl submitted to FKMYSELF.COM described repeated viewings of sex scenes from Jerry Maguire and Soul Food (rewound on VHS) as masturbatory material. Man do kids have it easy these days.

But is all this easy access to pornography warping their minds? Does every teenage boy assume that every girl enjoys anal and swallowing? A lot of the sex education I received was from reading Cosmo magazine, which can’t be much better, but have unreasonable boudoir expectations become amplified by YouPorn? I’d love to hear what the readers have to say about this one- please weigh in below.

–Kim H.

 

DOMA + Pride 2013 in pictures

I was moved to tears last week reading responses to the Supreme Court’s DOMA decision last week- it was not just a victory for the LGBT community but for our country and humanity. It fills me with great hope and pride to see that our nation can overcome hundreds of years of prejudice and delusion to take a stand for justice and equality.

The battle to eradicate sexual shame in America is far from over- bullying continues daily, abstinence education prevails in many schools (and let’s not forget that the sale of sex toys in parts of the south is still illegal. Seriously). I have faith, however, that we will continue to move forward and grow to do what is right. The revolution is NOW.

Here are some photos I snapped outside San Francisco’s City Hall after the Pride parade Sunday night:

pride

pride2

pride3

I’m sure Lincoln would be proud. Here are some other favorite photos from the week:

A couple rejoices at City Hall in San Francisco, June 26, 2013 (Global Post)
A couple rejoices at City Hall in San Francisco, June 26, 2013 (Global Post)
Couples kiss on the steps of the Old Orange County Courthouse in Santa Ana, July 1st, 2013 (AP Photo by Amy Taxin)
Cover of The New Yorker, July 2013
Cover of The New Yorker, July 2013
Edith Windsor, 84, whose lawsuit was used to grant same-sex couples federal marriage benefits, leads NYC’s gay pride march, June 30, 2013 (AP)
Edith Windsor, 84, whose lawsuit was used to grant same-sex couples federal marriage benefits, leads NYC’s gay pride march, June 30, 2013 (AP)
Mark Zuckerberg marches with over 750 Facebook employees in San Francisco, June 30, 2013 (Facebook)
Mark Zuckerberg marches with over 750 Facebook employees in San Francisco, June 30, 2013 (Facebook)
Facebook Pride marchers in San Francisco, June 30, 2013 (Facebook)
Facebook Pride marchers in San Francisco, June 30, 2013 (Facebook)
Chris Roe & Roby Chavez celebrate with their soon-to-be adopted children in San Francisco. (Josh Edelson / AFP / Getty Images)
Richard Kelley and Steven Jung celebrate with a kiss (Krista Kennell/ZUMA Press/Corbis)
Richard Kelley and Steven Jung (Krista Kennell/ZUMA Press/Corbis)
Pride Parade marchers in Toronto (by Corbin Smith)
Pride Parade marchers in Toronto (by Corbin Smith)
Newlyweds Kris Perry & Sandy Stier share a kiss at City Hall in San Francisco June 28, 2013 (AP photo by Jeff Chiu)
Newlyweds Kris Perry & Sandy Stier share a kiss at City Hall in San Francisco
June 28, 2013 (AP photo by Jeff Chiu)

Love is love.

 

 

 

 

Readers Confess: Why I choose an open relationship

Before I entered an open relationship, I thought it would be a great way to have your cake and eat it too. You could have all the benefits of being in a relationship – stability, security, and regular sex, as well as all the benefits of being single – freedom, exploration, and invigorating “new relationship energy” (often referred to as NRE).

However, after I started delving into the tumultuous world of polyamory, I came to learn that it was much, much, more than that.

I came to learn that open relationships were fundmentally about truth, communication, and transparency.  It was about facing my own fears, my own insecurities, as well as learning to love unconditionally.  Many people I talk to would love to be in an open relationship – one way.  They would love the freedom on their end, but would not want their partner to share the same freedoms.

For me, a deeply intimate, loving relationship is about loving your partner enough to allow them the ability to completely experience life to its fullest capacity.  Even if that means them having sex with somebody else.  This is where the rub lies.  In our society, there is a deeply ingrained modality of ‘monogamy’.  This often leads to issues of “should”, “should not”, pain, and insecurities.

If we *KNEW* our partner deeply loved us, and they have dinner with a friend, would this cause us pain?  How about if they slept over at their place? How about if they hugged them?  Kissed them?  Had sex with them?  And that these actions didn’t come from a place of deceit, lies, and untruth, but they were in constant communication with you throughout the entire process?  For some people, dinner is already crossing a threshold. Others are okay with kissing, but not sex. Others, only certain kinds of sex (maybe oral only).  Each of these thresholds depends on our own level of trust in our partner, and confidence in our own self-worth.

The first time my partner engaged in extracurricular sex, there was some suffering.  I examined it.  Why is it there?  What belief structure was I holding onto that gave rise to the suffering? (Suffering only comes from holding onto a certain belief.)  I realized there was some fear of my partner leaving me.  There was some fear of the third person being ‘better’, which, when I followed the thought train far enough, eventually also led to the fear of my partner leaving.  As I examined and followed each of these fears WITH my partner, there was constant reassurance and I eventually came to see through all the fears as ultimately false, and I was free to return to the present moment with my partner.

When I engaged in an extracurricular relationship, my partner’s belief set was something around the concept of “access”.  That they would no longer have “access” to me. Each of us will have different sticking points, different reasons why we believe something is wrong or shouldn’t be done.  With clear, honest, and open communication, we can move through the restrictions of closed relationships and experience a much freeer existence in life.

It is natural and expected for some pain to arise whenever an action takes place that challenges our belief structures.  What makes all the difference in the world is how soon you can see through it, let go, and move on.  This is where complete honesty and constant communication is required.  An open relationship requires both partners to *gradually* push the boundaries of their reality together.  “Can we live in a reality where we are both truly happy for the other person being happy in whatever they’re doing?”  (This is called “compersion”).  Push too hard, and the relationship may break.  Gentler never hurts.

So should you engage in an open relationship?  Not if you’re in it just to have sex with more people.  You might as well just stay single, or you could do that in a monogamous relationship and not tell your partner (as frequently happens).  An open relationship is for people ready to face their own fears and insecurities head on.  An open relationship is for people that want to grow with their partner through the most intimiate details of life – which extend far beyond the superficial sex.  An open relationship is for people that understand that being in a relationship with someone does not mean restricting them, but instead, freeing them.  And in the process, freeing yourself.

Have you ever experimented with an open relationship? Weigh in below.

 

–Haz Tantra

How I (Still) Make My Open Relationship Work

By Kristine Deguzman | Reposted from Em & Lo 

A few years ago, when I was a bright-eyed junior at UC Berkeley, I wrote about how my boyfriend and I were going on a break before I left to study abroad in Spain. At the time we had been together for two years, and I remember the reaction I received — from friends and readers alike — who thought I was being unrealistic in thinking that I could hook up with a slew of Spanish men and return to my relationship unscathed.

Well, I’m happy to report that that three years (and many attractive foreign men) later, my boyfriend and I are still together and still as much in love as we were before — if not more so.

Though our relationship has passed the five-year mark, this is not to say that it has been without its difficulties. I’m not going to lie and say our relationship was full of sunshine and daisies after I got back from Spain, because it wasn’t. We dated other people and, yes, slept with other people, and like any normal relationship there were fights and there was jealousy and there was crying — lots and lots of crying.

But in the end, there was and is always a decision — do we give up or do we work it out? And amidst all of the fights, we always chose each other. (Plus, it became kind of kinky to talk about the other people we’d had sex with while having sex with each other — how’s that for dirty talk?)

In the two years that followed my trip to Spain we stayed in a mostly monogamous relationship, though there were a few occasions at parties where he gave me permission to kiss other people (and I, likewise, extended the same courtesy). However, since my boyfriend moved back to LA last September, we’ve returned to experimenting with the boundaries of our relationship, and we’re currently in a long-distance, open relationship.

We don’t have a timeline for when we’ll no longer be long-distance, since I work in the tech industry (which is booming in San Francisco) and he works in the entertainment industry (which basically doesn’t exist outside of Hollywood), but we have talked about moving to New York together within the next two or three years. As far as whether or not our open relationship will continue once we’re back in the same city — it’s kind of unknown. Though, it does seem hard to justify either of us sleeping with other people when the other is just a quick Metro ride away.

Most of the people who I talk to about our relationship are either really supportive or really confused. The confused ones often ask, “Why waste your time with other people if you have a good thing?” Others have admitted that they think it’s hubris for my boyfriend and I to think that we can have our cake (each other) and have sex with other people on the side too.

I think that most of the people who question our relationship do so because they could never imagine themselves in the same situation, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t think my boyfriend and I have the gold standard of relationships upon which all other relationships should mold themselves, and neither of us goes around telling other couples that they should try spicing things up a bit by sleeping with other people.

What it boils down to, at least for us, is communication — my boyfriend and I talk everyday, several times a day, to the point where my sister now rolls her eyes and says, “Again?! You just talked an hour ago,” whenever she sees my boyfriend calling. We also have pretty specific “rules” in our open relationship (in contrast to the “anything goes” policy we had during our break when I was in Spain). The rules are as follows:

• Dates must be disclosed in advance.

• Potential suitors must know about the existence of the other person.

• Kissing is basically like shaking hands – doesn’t need to be disclosed unless it leads into a date.

• Condoms must be used with all extraneous sexual partners.

We’re so honest with each other that we rarely even fight anymore. I told him when I joined OkCupid, and he joined soon thereafter. We deactivated our OkCupid accounts somewhere around the same time, since neither of us had any luck meeting people in whom we were truly interested. A few months ago, when a trio of boys chatted up a couple of friends and I at a bar, I joked with him about it afterwards. We still talk to each other about our crushes, including one in particular that was so deep and overwhelming that I thought for sure it would tear us apart.

But even with the most destructive of crushes, honest communication was and is the key to making it work – in this particular scenario, my boyfriend ended up giving me permission to date this person despite his misgivings about the situation. The crush fizzled out anyway, but I had even more respect for my boyfriend afterwards for being so rational and levelheaded about it all.

When I envision the trajectory of my life, he is the one I see at the end. He will always be the person I choose when it comes down to it, and I know he feels the same. So why not have some fun with other people along the way?

________________________________________________________________________

How do you feel about monogamy vs. open relationships? Have you and your partner ever tried an open arrangement? Weigh in below.

*Editor’s note: if you’re looking for a convincing case for open relationships, read the brilliant book Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray and What It Means for Modern Relationships

This article originally appeared on EmandLo.com and was reposted with the author’s permission. For more info on the writer, check out Kristine’s awesome personal tumblr blog

50 cent: ‘Masturbation is a sin…God is watching you’

Looks like rapper 50 cent has joined the long list of religious fanatics eager to shame us about our sexual desires. He has gone on Twitter to denounce masturbation, even outlining  a 4 step plan to stymy your wanking urges:

 

 

So how religious is 50 Cent? According to Hollowverse.com,

50 Cent has never claimed allegiance to any particular Christian denomination, but has expressed a belief in God, saying:

I believe in a higher power. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in God. I believe everything about the [Christian] church is cool, but everybody’s not there in the right spirit.2

He has also credited God to the fact that he has survived being shot 9 times.

atheistmemebase.com

 

Where do Christians get all these ideas about God hating masturbation? One oft cited story is that of Onan:

Genesis 38:8-10 – “Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Lie with your brother’s wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother.’ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord’s sight; so he put him to death also.”

Though Onan wasn’t actually masturbating, Christians point to Onan’s “self pollution” as an argument against it.

Since masturbation is generally an act committed out of lust, the following passage is also used as religious ammunition against self pleasure:

Matthew 5:28 – “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who has looked a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

I’m just grateful I was raised Buddhist and never had to go to Sunday school. Did you grow up in a religious household that banned self pleasure? What are your thoughts on 50 Cent’s condemnation? Weigh in below.

 

–Kim H. 

 

R. Kelly Anti-masturbation video: funny or frightening? (VIDEO)

This week a video has been making the rounds on the interwebs that may at first glance seem hilarious but upon further examination is really pretty scary and honestly quite infuriating. Jehovah’s Witnesses created a series of American Sign Language videos, one of which explains to people why they shouldn’t be masturbating.  Someone had the genius idea of adding a soundtrack to it: R. Kelly’s classic “Ignition (Remix)”. The original was taken down due to a copyright claim by Watch Tower Bible, but luckily other versions are still available online:

Some thought the PSA had to be a fake because of the comically exaggerated facial expressions, but the video is sadly very real (facial expressions are an integral part of ASL). Your first question might be, as one reddit user posed, “what’s he saying at the part where he clearly cums on his chest and then rubs it around and then is like OH SHIT GROSS I JUST RUBBED SEMEN ALL OVER ME?” You can try to figure it out because another user posted a loose translation:

Hi some of you are used to male masturbating or female masturbating, may feel nothing wrong

Oh, Jehovah is looking and is disgusted, why? Masturbating is inherently selfish and is all focused on your inner wants.

What is sex for? Sex is for men and women who love each other.

Some people are overcome by lust and say they need to masturbate for relief. They can hold that back. People that masturbate will be overcome by more feelings of lust and will be compelled to masturbate more. They will have sex on the brain constantly.

They will look at men and woman with lust. Here’s what Paul said

Third guy – Corinthians

It’s important to keep your mind and body pure. Any thoughts that sully the body, Jesus (Jehovah) is against it. Purify the body for the sake of being the same as Jesus (Jehovah).

Back to second guy

It’s important to keep the mind and body pure. If you’ve been masturbating for awhile, it may be tough to stop even if you want to. If you have failures, you may feel like you’re failing in the eyes of Jehovah. But, Jehovah won’t view you like that. Jehovah knows you through and through, and understands your travails and struggles. If you beg for forgiveness, Jehovah will understand and forgive. Don’t be afraid to ask Jehovah for help and understanding. The relationship between you and Jehovah is like a father and children. When children do something wrong and ask their father for forgiveness, the father is understanding and comforting. Just like the father, Jehovah is forgiving.

But, is it enough to just do wrong and ask for forgiveness? No. You must also act the part. If your friends confess to masturbation, cut them out of your life. Don’t watch porn. Put your computer in a public place so that you’re not tempted to look at porn. If suggestive ads bother and tempt you, buy a blocking program. They aren’t perfect, but the blockers can help.

If you still struggle with masturbation still, tell your mother and father (unclear here. Strict translation is Jehovah Mother Father, or Jehovah Witness Mother Father). 

Or tell a brother and sister (same issue here).

 It should come as no surprise that Jehovah’s witnesses only consider sex to be an appropriate act between a man and a woman. But cutting people out of your life because they masturbate?? That seems rather un-Christ like. I will never understand why in this day and age people continue to perpetuate sexual shame and encourage denial of our most basic and natural human instinct. Especially because the consequences can be disastrous; back in 1975, neuropsychologist James Prescott published a paper after conducting extensive cross-cultural research on tolerance for adolescent sexual behavior and compared that data with levels of violence within and between societies.

He found that “deprivation of body pleasure throughout life–but particularly during the formative periods of infancy, childhood, and adolescence–is very closely related to the amount of warfare and interpersonal violence.” As Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá note in their New York Times bestseller Sex At Dawn (get a copy now!), cultures that don’t “prohibit the expression of adolescent sexuality show far lower levels of violence–both between individuals and between societies.”  It would certainly explain all the saber rattling that goes on in our shame-based American culture.

This sexual shame even permeates our legal system: Ryan and Jethá write:

In 2003, seventeen-year-old honor student and homecoming king Genarlow Wilson was caught having consensual oral sex with his girlfriend, who had not yet turned sixteen. He was convicted of aggravated child molestation, sentenced to a minimum of ten years in a Georgia prison, and forced to register as a sex offender for life.

Quite a message we’re sending out to our youth.  Do you think sexual repression in America leads to more violence? Weigh in below.

 

Ke$ha claims she had sex with a ghost. How common is this really?

So this is why she wakes up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Singer Ke$ha told Ryan Seacrest in a recent radio show interview that her new song “Supernatural” is “about experiences with the supernatural, but in a sexy way. I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural.”

Who was this sexy ghost? “I don’t know his name,” Ke$ha tells Seacrest. “He was a ghost! I’m very open to it.” Ke$ha continues describing her upcoming album Warrior, which will be released on December 4th: “There are so many weird topics on this record, from having sexy time with a ghost to getting hypnotized and going into past lives. I just really wanted the theme of this record to be the magic of life.”

 

Magical indeed. Most of you probably remember Dan Aykroyd’s character enjoying some paranormal kink in Ghostbusters and I’m sure women all across America have fantasized about being haunted by the ghost of Patrick Swayze. But does this kind of thing actually happen to people in real life?

There’s a term for such a phenomenon that also describes people who are sexually attracted to ghosts: it’s spectrophilia. And there are all kinds of accounts of people claiming to have had such paranormal experiences.  A special airing on the Travel Channel last year aptly titled Ghostly Lovers featured several women describing their sexual encounters with ghosts.  “My husband died in my arms and then came back and made love to me” claims a woman named Stephanie. She goes on to describe a conversation with a recently widowed friend: “‘So Jean, has your husband come back to have sex with you yet?’ She said, ‘Yes, how did you know??'”

“I hope the people watching the show will realize that when they have experiences they think are strange, there are probably other people out there who have had them” says one Ghostly Lover.

We’ve seen a slew of vampire romance stories in the last few years. Perhaps ghost sex will be the next big thing?

 

–Kim H.

 

 

 

Image of Ke$sha from Maxim

San Francisco 49ers release ‘It Gets Better’ message (VIDEO)

This week San Francisco’s 49ers became the first NFL team to make their own It Gets Better video, releasing a 60 second clip featuring Ricky Jean Francois, Isaac Sopoaga and Donte Whitner telling LGBT teens that the team is on their side. Take a look:

SF weekly notes:

Of course, the team had some atoning to do on this front. Back in 2002, running back Garrison Hearst made a public apology to the gay community after he was quoted saying “I don’t want any faggots on my team.”

Although they are the first professional football team to produce an It Gets Better video, they aren’t the first sports team; last year the San Francisco Giants started a trend among professional athletes when it released a 60-second video featuring some of your favorite Giants, Matt Cain and Barry Zito, speaking out against bullying and letting LGBT youngsters know that the entire team is behind them.

One of the team’s openly gay fans, Sean Chapin (who also petitioned for the Giants video), launched a Change.org petition asking the 49ers to make a video. It drew nearly 16,000 signatures. Chapin said in a statement, “Let’s hope this is only the beginning, and that more NFL and professional sports teams around the country take this opportunity to speak up on behalf of LGBT fans and kids.”

Raging Grannies respond to Akin with ‘Legitimate Rape’ Song (VIDEO)

I hope when I’m old and grey I’ll have the wherewithal to compose musical responses to idiotic political gaffes by incompetent GOP representatives. Leave it to The Renegade Raging Grannies to come up with this creative rebuttal to congressman Todd Akin’s comments about a woman’s body being able to repel unwanted sperm and avoid pregnancy in instances of “legitimate rape”:

Here are the sassy lyrics by Vicki Ryder:

Legitimate rape is great birth control

So says Todd Akin and he oughta know

If we are raped we can rest unafraid 

‘Cause we can’t get pregnant if forcibly laid

Our female bodies are clever that way

We only get pregnant when we say ‘Ok!’

Doctors have told him so it must be so

The stork only comes if we don’t say no! 

Rape won’t make babies and that is a fact

There’s no global warming, the earth’s really flat

We’ve heard it on Fox News so it must be true

Well Mr. Akin we say FUCK YOU!

Rock on grannies, rock on.